At What Point Do We Take Things To The Next Level?

I had a really interesting question put to me this week and it wasn’t the first time I’d been asked this: “under normal circumstances, at what point is it OK to take things to the bedroom?” Now sex has always been a fascinating topic, in modern society sex often comes with a degree of judgement. It’s such a normal part of life, everyone does it and everyone enjoys it, and yet still eyebrows are raised at anyone considered even remotely promiscuous. As every female I’ve ever known will agree, it seems even more judgement is saved for women. A girl who sleeps with multiple people is called every name under the sun and a guy who does the same, is simply a lad. Is it fair? Well obviously not.

It’s almost disappointing to hear women ask me this question because deep down I believe the main reason for asking is due to that fear of judgement. This expands into two key points: are they going to scare a guy off by rushing into things and giving off the wrong impression? Or are they going to scare a guy off by doing the complete opposite – waiting too long?

It’s always difficult to generalise men (or any other group in society for that matter) because naturally everyone is different. There is a general assumption about men that we quite literally want sex as soon as physically possible. Sure it is true of some guys and yes it’s most likely crossed our mind within two minutes of laying eyes you (don’t hate the player, hate science), but fewer than you think would actually act on such an urge.

The important thing to remember, however, is that the decisions we make when it comes to relationships shouldn’t be dictated by numbers. 1 date, 3 dates, 5 dates, how much does it really matter? Should we really deny the inevitable just to save face and feel a little bit more lady-like or gentlemanly? I’m not saying throw yourself at the next guy or girl who comes along, I’m just saying don’t stress about it. At the end of the day it’s the individual circumstances that matter and how your individual relationship transpires, not the number of dates you can count on your left hand.

For me personally I would rule out anything beyond a kiss happening on a first date, not because I would be judgemental in any way, but because it’s nice to leave something to the imagination and ultimately have something to look forward to. The start of a new relationship is always the best bit in my opinion, and I’d want that to last for as long as possible. So it’s never ever about judgement for me, I just prefer a build-up.

After the first date try and let things take its natural course, over-analysing things will only send you round in circles. Any reasonable, down to earth guy or girl should have the common sense to judge a situation on its own merits and not jump to the conclusion that their partner automatically must have a few hundred notches on their bed post. So never worry too much about what your new partner is thinking. When it comes to how you’re perceived, the right people will always make the right call.

PTB

 

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4 Comments

  1. October 28, 2016 / 3:24 pm

    I worried about this stuff when I was twenty, but am long over that silliness. I’m a grown up woman with needs and desires. I’ll sleep with someone when I feel it’s right. That might be the first date. Or depending on the experience, it might be the last.

    As women we’ve worked hard for our sexual independence. Many women are comfortable with what (conveniently) are called ‘hook-ups’. Other’s are fine as ‘friends with benefits’. Whatever another woman chooses, it’s none of my business.

    Frankly, I have more important things to worry about than if society judges me as a slut. And if a man judges me because of when I choose to have sex with him and splits because of it, then that was probably all he wanted anyway.
    The world’s in a tough place right now. We should be spending more time working on that rather than a perfectly normal biological act.

    • December 7, 2016 / 12:26 pm

      Hi Heather thanks for your comment. It might not worry you but if people are asking me about the subject then naturally I’ll write about it. You’re absolutely right, the world is in a very tough place right now, but does that mean everything else has to stop? I’m surprised you would take the time to read and comment on a dating blog if you feel this way, but I appreciate your time all the same. Thanks again, PTB

  2. February 28, 2017 / 12:36 pm

    I think that this is a great article. Simple and to the point and you were very nice about it all. Everybody waits (or not) for different reasons as you say. Personally these days I like to wait too because more often than not intimacy creates feelings for another person that might otherwise not be there if you remained celibate. Tamara 🙂

    • Paul Thomas Bell
      March 1, 2017 / 12:04 am

      Thanks so much Tamara I really appreciate your feedback! PTB

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