The age old question, what do women want? Only Mel Gibson has ever really come close to an answer with help from the most spectacular super-power ever created within the halls of Paramount Pictures. Frankly I just don’t have the time or the enthusiasm to be electrocuted in a backstreet Chinatown apartment, however I decided to mak emy own light-hearted attempt at answering this question. Now before I start I cannot stress enough that these are based strictly on my own experiences and are in no way an attempt to generalise all women – can’t have Emma Watson knocking on my door.
Babies, babies, babies, babies. So yes I agree there is no more natural thing in the world than a woman giving birth to a child, but a man carrying a used nappy bag with mushy peas stuck to his forehead is wholly unnatural. Remember, men mature at the rate of daffodils growing in a baking hot desert, for your own sake (and your childs) don’t force a man to have kids before he’s ready – this is my only point here. You might be lucky and your partner springs into action and becomes the man you so desperately need him to be, but on the flipside he may regress back to his 14 year old adolescent self. Before you know it, you will be the mother of one beautiful baby and one stubbly, teenage man-child who cries himself to sleep. Hope it’s the former, but don’t force it.
My Money yes the little I did have was always very quickly spent. Cue the unemployed ex-girlfriend who begged me for a holiday, I stupidly obliged and agreed to pay for two weeks in the sun on the condition that she find a short term job and take her own spending money. She finds a nannying job, works three weeks and makes £600, perfect I thought – that is until she turned up at my house with forty bags of bikinis and maxi dresses. You win some you lose some.
For My Friends To Dissapear I know they’re not perfect but come on at least they’re nice to your face. In any relationship it’s important to strike the right balance between each other, friends and family. Don’t make us give up our friends they were there before you and should anything ever happen they’ll be there long after you, however, this of course works both ways.
Stop Looking At Other Women I get this one honestly I do, but try and remember that just because our eyes are open doesn’t mean we’re looking at other girls. I remember once upon a time having a full blown argument with an old girlfriend in the cinema, she accused me of looking at another girl whilst I was intently READING THE MOVIE LISTINGS!!! One of the most embarassing public altercations I’ve ever experienced and to this day I still have no clue who she was talking about.
For Us To Love You (No Matter What) this pains me, honestly, I love women whether it’s a girlfriend, my mother or my sister I love you all, but why do some girls expect to get away with absolutely everything? I borrowed your favourtie t-shirt it’s now covered in fake tan but it’s fine because you love me, I sold your season tickets on ebay but it’s fine because you love me, I slept with your brother but it’s fine, YOU LOVE ME!!! My ex once turned up on Christmas day with not a single present for any of my family and then the very next day returned to my house with several hundred bags of shopping from the boxing day sales, again not a single present for anyone and yes, it was the same person from point two (moreful me).
Ladies don’t take any of this to heart, you know it’s my fellow man I normally pick on. I often wonder how aware both men and women are of their crazy or irrational behaviours? Have you ever been stuck in a heated moment and you know you are completely off your head and yet it doesn’t stop you from carrying on the madness? I’ve been guilty of this myself, but still, it’s always fun to reminisce. I guess that’s how we learn from our mistakes and grow as partners and as people. Then again, perhaps deep down we all secretly love a little bit of crazy?