Things Guys Say On Dates

In the spirit of the weekend I’ll keep today’s post on the funny side. Whilst doing research for my blog I spoke with a number of women on dating site PlentyofFish (work purposes only I promise) and have inadvertently compiled a list of the most shocking things guys have said to women on first dates, some of this may shock even the most avid of daters. Here’s my Top 50, enjoy!

50. “Would you mind if I touched your ankles?”

49. “Would you mind if I sniffed your arm pits?”

48. “You look a bit like Baloo the Bear”

47. “You look like a shoplifter”

46. “I’m a shoplifter”

45. “My Mum is making me move out after my 40th birthday next week”

44. “You are so sexy, remind me a bit of my sister”

43. “Do you mind if I quickly finish this game of solitaire on my phone?”

42. “I don’t really fancy you but I needed a night out”

41. “You look like a girl who loves anal”

40. “Did you make that dress yourself? Looks like it’s falling apart”

39. “Your hair is nice but your face could be better”

38. “Is McDonalds ok?”

37. “I had my first gay experience last night”

36, “I have a really tiny penis, I’ll show you under the table if you like?”

35. “I have the keys to a morgue if you’d like to see a dead body?”

34. “You must’ve been really fat when you were younger”

33. “I’m not really interested in you like that, I’m actually looking for a surrogate”

32. “have you ever made out with your sister?”

31. “I’ve made out with my sister”

30. “23? You look at least 40”

29. “You smell like cheese”

28. “I miss my ex almost every day”

27. “My shirt is actually part of a pyjama set”

26. “I’m completely racist, don’ talk to me about those people”

25. “I’m not paying for the wine you drank”

24. “Do you and your friends ever compare vaginas?”

23. “I’ve had over 500 sexual partners”

22. “Do you plan on getting your teeth fixed?”

21. “The woman behind the bar is actually my Mum, you’ve already met”

20. “My penis is crooked, it curves to the left”

19. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you I’m in a wheelchair”

18. “I got caught pretending to have sex with a pavement”

17. “I think you’ve eaten enough”

16. “You should go and help with the dishes”

15. “no shoosh, shut your mouth”

14. ” You eat like a garbage disposal”

13. “I showed my Mum your picture, she thinks I can do better”

12. “yeah I’ll see you again, I feel a bit sorry for you.”

11. “I’ve had chlamydia six times”

10. “I’m actually married”

9. “Can we go somewhere else my wife’s best friend has just walked in”

8. “I can’t stay long I have another date after this”

7. “Can you drive me home?”

6. “I’m really into model trains, I brought this one to show you”

5. “Have you always had a double chin?”

4. “There was an incident with a ladyboy”

3. “My stag do is next weekend”

2. “Send me a picture from the toilet”

1. “I’m technically not allowed to leave the country”

Luckily most of the women I spoke to saw the funny side of things although a few did give out a slap or two. So to the women of Glasgow, Newcastle, Manchester and London I sincerely apologise on behalf of these characters and men, well I think it’s time we had a talk.

Happy Friday




    • July 11, 2014 / 6:48 pm

      My pleasure 🙂 thanks for reading

  1. July 11, 2014 / 7:03 pm

    You had me at… Would you mind if I touched your ankles haha

    • July 11, 2014 / 7:17 pm

      Haha it was actually me who said that one. Only kidding

          • July 11, 2014 / 7:40 pm

            That’s mildly concerning lol, remind me to change my profile picture!

  2. July 11, 2014 / 7:23 pm

    I have all the giggles! Too good! 🙂

    • July 11, 2014 / 7:24 pm

      Haha thank you glad you liked it, have a great weekend!

  3. July 11, 2014 / 7:34 pm

    Wow…now I don’t feel so bad about being kind of stringent in my selection process. I’ve had crazy things emailed to me, but not said in a first date! That ish is hilarious, though.

    • July 11, 2014 / 7:40 pm

      Haha glad you liked it 🙂

  4. July 11, 2014 / 7:45 pm

    “My shirt is actually part of a pj set” – hilarious! Excellent post, and you’ve got a “real smile” out of me … not just a stupid “LOL”

    Look forward to reading more!

    • July 11, 2014 / 7:57 pm

      Haha I’m really glad you enjoyed it, thanks again for following means a lot, look forward to your posts 🙂 Paul

    • July 11, 2014 / 9:33 pm

      Thanks Allison really appreciate it 🙂

  5. July 11, 2014 / 9:37 pm

    Wow…all those poor women being on receiving end! After reading your post, no one should fault a man because she thinks he’s “too nice.”

    Great compilation!

    • July 11, 2014 / 9:38 pm

      Haha a very good point! Thanks for your comments much appreciated. Paul

      • July 11, 2014 / 9:50 pm

        Thanks for the follow! Keep churning out interesting pieces =)

  6. July 11, 2014 / 9:51 pm

    Really?? Sad but funny… that’s why I am wiping my eyes!
    Thanks for following me Paul. I look forward to reading more of your posts too.

    • July 11, 2014 / 9:54 pm

      No problem at all and likewise! Glad you enjoyed it, sad but true and pretty funny I guess, was a bit shocked to be honest.

      • July 11, 2014 / 9:59 pm

        That’s an appropriate response, I think.

  7. July 12, 2014 / 11:23 pm

    I’ve gotten “I’m a vag-etarian.”

    • July 12, 2014 / 11:24 pm

      Wow, you must’ve been delighted haha. Thanks for following, really appreciate it! 🙂

      • July 12, 2014 / 11:25 pm

        Lol. So delighted. From the super religious ghost hunter! After he realized the date was going nowhere he just kept throwing innuendos at me.

        And you’re welcome.

        • July 12, 2014 / 11:27 pm

          In a strange way that’s what I love about dating you just don’t know how it’s going to turn out.

          • July 12, 2014 / 11:34 pm

            True. Can’t say that experience turned me off to dating. Just makes for a great story.

  8. July 14, 2014 / 3:39 pm

    Shared everywhere lol! Gotta give my girls something to giggle at tonight lol 🙂 <3

    • July 14, 2014 / 3:42 pm

      Haha, the girls can giggle and the guys can hang their head in shame. Every comment is a true story, sadly. :p

      • July 14, 2014 / 3:47 pm

        Dude, some of the stuff my lad friends tell me girls say…may have to counter blog you just for balance lol! Would you mind if I linked this blog in it? 🙂

  9. July 14, 2014 / 8:48 pm

    I think the worst one is actually “I think you’ve eaten enough.” Thanks for the laugh – and the follow 😀

  10. July 15, 2014 / 12:54 am

    How the heck on date number one could that even come up? “You look like a woman who loves anal” HAHAHA. Wow! These comments are bloody hilarious. I can’t imagine the reaction on the receiving end of these comments.

  11. July 16, 2014 / 9:03 pm

    Good post and a great laugh! I think the men I see are just too polite to tell me I eat like a garbage disposal. ALL THE FOODZ! hahah

    Thanks for the follow! Looking forward to reading more! :):)

    • July 16, 2014 / 9:16 pm

      Haha thank you so much 🙂 loved your writing as well looking forward to more

  12. July 17, 2014 / 12:36 am

    oh Paul, this is absolutely brilliant, just what i needed before tomorrow, not 😉
    i’ll let you know 🙂

  13. July 19, 2014 / 1:42 am

    AWESOME article. Thanks for the laughs! My favorite is number 1! Hilarious!

  14. July 22, 2014 / 3:28 pm

    I’m sitting here at my desk trying desperately not to laugh out loud. This was hilarious and a very much needed read! Please keep researching all of the aspects of dating!

    • July 22, 2014 / 4:36 pm

      Aw thank you Marisa I’m glad you liked it? Can I ask, is there anything girls would actually like to see a guy write about? Like something girls need to know about guys. I’m hoping to solve the mystery of why men are the way they are haha.

      • July 22, 2014 / 4:47 pm

        I feel like you’ve opened a Pandora’s Box with that one haha. A lot of things I wonder about are things I feel like you’ve mentioned or written posts about. It’s also hard for me to think of something to ask about without generalizing all men.

        Perhaps explore the reason why some men let their insecurities about where they are in their lives (i.e. no job, living w/parents, etc.) keep them from pursuing a relationship, even if the woman has shown that she doesn’t care/judge those things or is simply willing to be there despite his “shortcomings”?

        Does that make sense?

        • July 22, 2014 / 4:57 pm

          Yeah that makes total sense 🙂 I’ll definitely keep it in mind, appreciate it.

  15. July 25, 2014 / 10:19 am

    Absolutely brilliant: I lost it at “My shirt is actually part of a pyjama set”.

    I once made a passing comment about a girl’s enviable – tiny – figure on a date. My date’s response: “Oh no, I like my women a bit more….” … “Sturdy?” …. My mouth fell open. “Robust?” he continued, panicking and going red. My response? To laugh, initially, then to accept his marriage proposal 5 years later.

    (Thanks for following my blog!)

    • July 25, 2014 / 10:31 am

      Haha that is fantastic! Thank you for reading, glad you liked it. Paul

  16. August 10, 2014 / 3:10 pm

    This is all too good and funny….love what I have read so far. I’m looking forward to more 🙂

    • August 10, 2014 / 3:13 pm

      Thank you so much that really means a lot! Keep in touch 🙂 Paul

  17. james935
    January 5, 2015 / 12:29 pm

    Great list.
    I’ve also asked women before what strange things guys have said. It seems to range from, “do you have any attractive friends?” to “can I suck your toes?”.
    I think it’s pretty common for alcohol to be involved on dates and that can lead to some crazy stories. Just recently a lady I dated got a bit drunk and randomly started slapping my face, one cheek to the other uncontrollably laughing as she did it. 🙂 Was time for a swift exit.

    • Kerry Corley Jr.
      April 30, 2017 / 12:44 am

      Yeah, I think it’s time to talk to these guys.

  18. April 30, 2017 / 12:55 pm

    Hilarious read xD and I thought I had it bad!

    • Paul Thomas Bell
      April 30, 2017 / 1:28 pm

      Haha, some of them are incredible.

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