Has Dating Become Pointless?

I was reading an article in the Huffington Post by Relationship Expert Susan Winter, who claims that dating has become ‘tedious, unnatural and unnecessary.’ So I had to ask myself, do I agree?

Winter who rarely dates, decided to prove to friends and family that she could date if she wanted to and in doing so agreed to meet every man who asked her out – resulting in an impressive 98 dates in 9 months. Her quest to find love however was unsuccessful – but is this down to the quality of her suitors or the attitude of Winter herself? “Men parade their toys while women serve as the cows, pigs and horses parading for our blue ribbon of acceptance” she proclaims. It saddens me however, that a ‘Relationship Expert’ could be quite so cynical. Dating I admit can be tiring at times, but I firmly believe that your success rate is dependant on not just your approach method, but your attitude as well. From reading Winter’s views on dating I probably could’ve told you that every single one of her dates would prove unsuccessful before she’d even left the house! If you’ve been on 97 dates which you’ve already deemed failures, did date number 98 ever really stand a chance?

I find myself mightily defensive of dating because personally I find it to be a fascinating and at times hilarious social protocol. The awkwardness, the nerves, the sweaty palms – back in the day I found it to be allΒ part of the fun. I remember once being asked out by a girl completely out of my league and finding her so attractive I found myself under even more pressure than usual to impress. We went to our local pub where two comedians were hosting a kind of ‘games night’, it seemed like the perfect icebreaker. “Everyone stand up” they said, “If we call your number you must sit down and if you are left standing at the end you’ll be asked to come up on stage to take part in tonight’s finale.” Myself and fourteen others were left standing and split into three groups of five. The first five were sent into the audience to retrieve as many items of red clothing as they could find. Inside I was panicking, I was a stick-thin, self-conscious teenager on a date with this stunning girl and I just so happened to be wearing…a red t-shirt. The five contestants had just about got to the end of their game when one of the hosts of all people grabbed a microphone and shouted “there’s a guy in the front row with a red t-shirt on!” Before I knew it they were all hurtling towards me to quite literally rip the shirt from my back.

There I was sat in the front row with no top on casually wrapping my skinny arms around my even skinnier teenage frame. To my horror my humiliation didn’t end there, all the items taken from the audience were left lying in the middle of the stage for the owners to come up and collect and so I had to actually make my way up there. What was even more humiliating was that after the others had left I couldn’t actually find my t-shirt. There I was wandering the stage (confused and alone), asking if anyone had seen it. I could see my date sitting in her seat looking absolutely mortified – as easy-going as I am I literally just wanted to curl up in a ball and cry. As it turned out, my t-shirt had already been chucked next to our seats about ten minutes before I got up on stage and yet there I was running around topless like a headless chicken. The only thing worse than humiliation is unneccessary humiliation!

All of this had happened and it wasn’t even my turn to take part in a game yet! Before I knew it I was back up on stage (thankfully fully clothed) this time stuffing my face in a cracker eating competition. This was anything but pretty, five of us stood in a line with tiny pieces of cracker spewing from every corner of our mouths. Strangely the competition was won by a young guy named Sean Connery, Genuinely!

Much to my surprise, that night ended with a kiss. We had one more date to a David Gray concert but as good as he was his music was so depressing it killed the relationship before it’d even begun. Although we never saw one another again, that first date albeit horrendous in many ways, was one of the funniest nights of my life. Dates are memories, life experiences that we can learn from and on the off-chance that it does go well, you might just findΒ what you’ve been looking for all along. Believe it or not that humiliating day did wonders for a teenage boy who’d been lacking in a bit of confidence.

So to Susan Winter, I say no, dating isn’t pointless. What’s pointless is going on 98 dates with anyone who asks just to prove a point. Nonetheless, I hope you find what you’re looking for.

Happy Dating

PTB

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115 Comments

  1. July 8, 2014 / 1:52 am

    As someone who has just recently jumped back into dating, I can only hope I end up with some truly memorable stories such as the one you just shared. I don’t think I walk into dating with the Grinch attitude of Ms. Winter, but I still haven’t warmed up to the perspective of it being an enjoyable adventure yet, either.

    Hilarious story though, sincerely.

    • July 8, 2014 / 1:59 am

      I’m really glad you enjoyed my story. The only advice I can give you is enjoy yourself, dating should be a fun thing rather than a task, relax and dont take it too seriously. Sincerely wish you the best of luck with it. Keep in touch. Paul

  2. July 8, 2014 / 2:02 am

    You hit the nail right on the head. You cant expect to find “the one” when you are going on that many dates. She obviously had an agenda to follow and even though she was probably talking to with the “right guy” for her she didn’t notice it because she was too busy thinking about her next date. Dating is the best part of the whole process, you get to meet someone and get to know them. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t. I don’t think I have ever been on a date that it was pointless.

    • July 8, 2014 / 2:04 am

      Exactly, plus how good is that feeling when you get home and you know it went really well? Going on so many dates just turns it into a chore, dating should be fun. Thanks for your thoughts. Paul

  3. July 8, 2014 / 2:58 am

    Exactly! I’ve entered into dating after a marriage with the attitude of, “Hey, this should be fun. And if not fun, at least interesting!”

    • July 8, 2014 / 3:02 am

      Good for you, definitely the best way to approach it! Thanks for reading, good luck with your future dates. Keep in touch. Paul

  4. July 8, 2014 / 3:05 am

    Oh god! Your t-shirt story, what a thing to happen on a first date. Dating can definitely be tedious, but it can also be a lot of fun. Of course if you say yes to anyone that asks you out there will be a lot of duds.

    • July 8, 2014 / 3:08 am

      Haha I’m glad you liked it. Totally agree, if you go on an excessive number of dates you’re setting yourself up for a fall. Thanks for reading!

  5. July 8, 2014 / 5:11 am

    I needed to read this, if only to check my attitude after so many awful dates, lately. I’m still pretty convinced it was ALL THEM (especially the guy who had FIVE BEERS in one hour), but it’s a nice reminder to go in with a positive outlook.

    • July 8, 2014 / 12:00 pm

      Really glad you enjoyed it! Bad dates are unavoidable but it helps us spot the good ones and eventually someone comes along that makes them all worthwhile. I’ll tell you one thing I bet the guy who had five beers was just really nervous about meeting you, you’d be surprised just how nervous guys get and then we drink and make an ass of ourselves haha. Thanks for reading, keep in touch! Paul

  6. July 8, 2014 / 6:14 am

    OMG! Yes! Dating should be fun and carefree only getting serious when there’s a powerful spark. I once went on a second date with a guy who said it was his “responsibility” to take me out….I was like whoa…way to make me feel like a burden dude. To me dating is all about getting to know someone and learning more about what you’re looking for. Great Post!

    P.S. Thank you for sharing your T-shirt story. While I’m sure that was incredibly embarrassing…it also provided numerous reader laughs πŸ˜‰ haha.

    • July 8, 2014 / 3:53 pm

      Haha yes totally agree. People take dating way too seriously these days just relax and enjoy it for what it is and if the relationship develops then maybe take it a bit more seriously, but in the meantime just have fun! I’ve always said that even if I turned up for a date and I knew early on it wasn’t going to go anywhere I’d still try and make the most of it, sometimes it’s nice just to talk to someone impartial from the rest of your life and really just to get to know someone different. You learn something from everyone. Really glad you enjoyed this!

  7. July 8, 2014 / 6:54 am

    I very much agree with you. Dating should be undertaken as a fun adventure- my impression of Susan winter was that she was dating to prove to friends and family that she could, which to me seems like a pretty poor motivation to start dating. If you do not believe something great might happen, it probably never will.

    Also I think you might have won for most embarrassing date. In circumstances like that my favourite motto is “don’t worry- this will be a funny story one day.”

    Love it!

    • July 8, 2014 / 11:35 am

      Thank you so much for reading. Whatever Susan Winter’s reasons I feel sorry for all the men, I think on some level she’s probably led quite a lot of people on.

      Sometimes I wish I had made that story up! Haha
      Thanks again

  8. July 8, 2014 / 2:08 pm

    She subconsciously ended her experiment, long before date number one. She will never admit it, but this is what I acknowledged, the moment I read her article in its entirety yesterday. Each suitor could’ve made her feel like the best thing since sliced bread, but in her mind, she’ll find something about their approach off putting.

    You can’t embrace something when your arms are locked. In a symbolic sense, her mind was locked to the dating challenge. It makes sense that her article was written, with such an unbiased point of view. It’s her opinion of course, but I disagree that dating is pointless. Our energy attracts exactly what we put out. She must take ownership that the failures occurred because of her. But she won’t.

    • July 8, 2014 / 4:00 pm

      Absolutely, whatever her purpose was for doing this it’s pretty evident it was doomed to fail from the start. It seems to me that she didn’t want to meet someone, if she fell in love after 5 or 6 dates her article might not have sounded as interesting as it did. In my opinion the 98 dates was for an element of shock value rather than a genuine search for love. Thanks for your thoughts.

  9. shwetajoshi
    July 8, 2014 / 2:13 pm

    I’ve stayed far and away from dating for almost six months now. Not due to revulsion, but just due to other priorities (and yes, I’ll admit a failed relationship, too). To winter, I can surely say that change your attitude a little, girl. Get selective; you just can’t date anyone who asks you. And no, it’s neither a parade for guys nor a submission call to girls. Be yourself; express yourself. You’d find somebody worth falling for, if you really want to.
    And to Paul, will you go out with me some day, some time? May be we can discuss our faith in tradition of good ol’ dating over coffee and sandwiches? πŸ˜‰

    • July 8, 2014 / 4:04 pm

      Your right, atittude is everything and when your ready you’ll be back dating and you’ll know exactly what you want from it.

      As for coffee and a sandwich if we’re ever in each other’s parts of the world it would be my pleasure πŸ™‚

  10. July 8, 2014 / 2:45 pm

    Hahaa! I love it! Thanks for the chuckles! Totally laughing at work!

    I do though wonder, how skinny could you be… maybe you *feeling* mortified was the thing – not your body at all. Lots of girls like a confident “rock-star-skinny-guy” πŸ˜‰ Anyway, I realize that’s not the point here. Just sayin’ 😎

  11. July 8, 2014 / 2:50 pm

    And p.s. I also approached dating with just a “let’s genuinely have fun” attitude when I did it. I come from a culture of no dating (just straight on relationship and pretty much full-on monogamy). And when I say “just have fun” I’m of course not talking about anything that’s immoral or demeaning to self or the other (and that depends on the situation – whatever feels right). Just that it’s all about having a positive experience – I always felt like it was super uplifting: Shining your personality, the best version of you, being charming, ha! – and feeling good about yourself while meeting interesting people who could shine back on me. πŸ™‚

  12. July 8, 2014 / 2:58 pm

    Oh, I MUST add – my very first date EVER in my life, with a gorgeous surfer-dude American guy (he was visiting his European grandmother), I had prettied myself up and was all into it… we were walking by the harbor. A gigantic seagull flew by and pooped in my hair, and the poop dripped down my face. I’m so not making this up! I was a charming looking little ballerina with very long hair – but I swore like a tomboy pirate! He laughed like crazy, I was pissed beyond belief. I went home right after it of course.

    But we did date the entire summer. It was a very intense first love and romance. So, bad-bad-bad first dates can end well. πŸ™‚

    Funny, I had forgotten that event. Thanks for making me remember it. Ha!

    • July 8, 2014 / 3:46 pm

      Hey πŸ™‚ so glad you enjoyed this. I think a lot of people pin their hopes on dates a little too much. I’ve met so many people who go dates with the approach of ‘this is it, this is the one’ but I think it’s best just to look at it as nothing more than a fun night out and if it goes well maybe then take it a bit more seriously. I just want us all to relax haha, dating is becoming a bit too intense these days.

      I love your story I think its right up there with mine in terms of embarassment but at least we can laugh about it that’s the important thing. Imagine getting all dressed up to then have that happened, I feel for you.

      Thanks so much for reading, really means a lot. Can I ask where your from?
      Paul

      • July 8, 2014 / 4:05 pm

        “…look at it as nothing more than a fun night out and if it goes well maybe then take it a bit more seriously” – exactly! I’m from Scandinavia… how did you find my post? Just curious. πŸ™‚ Thanks for finding me, so that I could find your – and get my dose of laughter this morning!

        • July 8, 2014 / 4:09 pm

          Haha you’re so welcome, I think I typed in the tag ‘dating’ and stumbled across your article. I’ve always wanted to go to Scandinavia. Have you ever been to Scotland?

  13. susanwinter181
    July 8, 2014 / 4:59 pm

    Paul. I loved your article. Thank you for reading mine in The Huffington Post. So, here’s the deal. I’ve been very lucky to have found my way to long-term, committed relationships (10+ years) without the rigors of dating. This time, I took the challenge. I hadn’t “officially dated” before this time period.

    I was set up on “blind dates,” in Manhattan. Living and dating in NYC is a very different animal in many ways. There’s a climate of presentation. It’s a big city, with big dreams and big players.

    I must say that I indeed enjoyed many of the men I met. They were mostly older, and I think therefore they paraded their toys as a part of the buying package. I was able to connect 2 of the men with women I knew. They hit it off and entered romance.

    I’m afraid that I don’t like dating in general. And especially so, when it’s a blind date. I realize that’s a strong stance that’s bound to garner strong responses (both positive and negative). I have been excited when I’ve had some input as to the men I’m going to meet.

    Thank you for the great writing. I’ve enjoyed reading your perspective. Susan Winter

    • July 8, 2014 / 5:23 pm

      Hi Susan thanks for getting in touch.

      Don’t get me wrong I did enjoy your article I just felt it was a tad cynical. I enjoy dating but I don’t think even I could handle so many dates within such a short space of time, I imagine it would sap the enjoyment from the experience and perhaps make it a bit too ‘routine.’ I do however completely respect your personal stance, it isn’t for everyone. I guess if people do decide to date though I just want them to stay open-minded. I did wonder however what your preferred method of meeting people is? Maybe we’re all missing a trick.

      Whatever our thoughts your article certainly got us talking.

      Best Wishes
      Paul

      • July 8, 2014 / 6:12 pm

        I’m sort of a non-club, non-bar type. Those types of venues don’t allow for conversation in the US. Very loud music and all visually focused. When I lived in Spain it was a very different story. Inclusive culture of warm people.

        I go to the gym. As a writer, I need to get away from my desk. I have to be honest… most every partner was met at the gym. I had a chance to see their interactions with others, had a social reference, had a chance to get to know them in a healthy environment, and we had a healthy lifestyle in common. As my relationships are very long lasting, I’m afraid my “numbers” of partners are smaller than other women I know.

        I met one partner at a golf tournament, and another boyfriend was temporarily subletting in my apartment building.

        I am a social person, open and warm in nature. But I prefer to have a sense of reference. In Manhattan, what’s presented isn’t necessarily the truth of what you see. A man may tell you he’s single, when in reality he’s married (something I’d never do). Or, tell you he works in a vocation that’s not truthful. So, in knowing the people a man knows, you get a fuller sense of who he is. I like real. I like honest and truthful. A man doesn’t need to be grand in assets, but a fine person of character. Hope that explains a little about my disposition and nature. Thank you again! Susan

        • July 8, 2014 / 6:25 pm

          That’s understandable. I love the Mediterranean, a way of life I often crave whilst I’m living in the city. Thanks again for your thoughts, very much appreciated.
          Paul

    • July 8, 2014 / 9:34 pm

      Jumping back in here semi-randomly as I must “defend” Susan (not that you need it Susan πŸ™‚ and agree that dating in NYC is a nightmare. It’s a grand theater, a job interview, and overall uncomfortable.

      I NEVER dated in Scandinavia, neither here. All relationship just started spontaneously and blossomed into full-on relationships pretty immediately. I felt like I needed to understand dating. So, I did a little “lab experiment” some years ago and dated lots – had fun doing it – but I was actually dating just to learn what the whole thing was about. Had I been *seriously* looking for someone back then, I think it could have been a crushing experience. Indeed, the NYC dating scene is odder than odd!

      • susanwinter181
        July 10, 2014 / 6:19 pm

        Verakasi, I thank you. And, as you know, I’m also following your writing and love it!

        What’s amazing to me is that in the 21st Century, as women have increased financial and societal power, that “some” men would still see their only contribution to our lives as monetary. True, it was that way in the past. But now, we get to choose the man we really want. Because we love him, we resonate with him, and we choose to walk by his side. Not because he’ll give us a lifestyle. We have our own. Not because he’ll house and feed us, or elevate our social standing. We can do that ourselves.

        This is a fantastic time period for men to be loved for who they are, and for how we feel ourselves when we’re with them. It could herald a true liberation for men to see themselves as worthy of love far beyond the toys they have to offer us. That would be my desire. A love that’s based on who we are.

        Thank you for allowing my commentary. Susan Winter

        • July 11, 2014 / 4:15 am

          Susan, I was thinking about you/this yesterday and, though I didn’t have time to post anything, I found myself pondering where to post my follow up for, so to say, all to see. I’ll do a quicky here now. I wanted to say I think it’s specifically hard to find someone REALLY “suitable” in the traditional dating scene if you’re super awesome, successful and beautiful. How would I say this… I’ll use myself as the example: I feel like I’m a super cool, fun and awesome person, way, way, way beyond looks, career success and the other things that are the primary focus on a first NYC date. I’d of course like to meet another person who has the same coolness, depth and awesomeness that I do, way, way, way beyond the obvious “great catch” items.

          On a “traditional NYC date” your real awesomeness doesn’t shine, or it does, but the person sitting across the table from you can’t see it because they are too busy trying to impress you with the stuff that’s not the point, and sizing you up on the stuff that’s not the point.

          I might as well add, and this is slightly simplified – but where I come from everyone has the same kind of access to the best schools, the same degrees and the same money. I dare to say that the choice of a partner is more about personality there, than about money and success. Obviously, it should be all about personality. The other stuff weighs too, but it’s secondary. Hmm, I could go on and on.

          For anyone who’s interested in more… πŸ™‚

          Here’s one entry on looks / personality:
          http://verakasi.wordpress.com/2014/06/10/dustin-hoffman-on-being-a-woman/

          Here’s another on being a female:
          http://verakasi.wordpress.com/2014/04/24/jon-stewart-proves-double-standards-for-female/

          And here’s another on – well, what I feel success really is (and some on motherhood, though not the main point):
          http://verakasi.wordpress.com/2013/02/08/they-need-you/

          And re your post above (July 10 6:19 pm, just saw it now) – love this: “This is an opportunity for men to be loved for who they are”. And thank you for following me. πŸ™‚

          Vera Kasi

    • July 8, 2014 / 7:16 pm

      No problem at all I’m glad you enjoyed it, means a lot.

  14. July 8, 2014 / 10:30 pm

    Good post, pointless no … tedious sometimes but certainly entertaining. My question is … what is the alternative??

  15. July 8, 2014 / 11:37 pm

    Just agreeing to meet everyone who messages you seems a very inefficient use of dating time to me πŸ™‚ I’m not surprised Susan had no luck with that method. I’m very selective about who I meet – of those I actually speak to online I only meet a few who I feel I have a connection with, to see if there is a chemistry in person to match. Of those, I’ve had a few hilarious stories, some decent relationships and made some really good friends. I’m with you, for me it’s been a positive experience overall and I think I will continue to get into my relationships in this way πŸ™‚

  16. July 9, 2014 / 1:27 am

    These days dating is so very hard. I’m gonna be single for a lifetime if this crazy stuff keeps up.

  17. July 10, 2014 / 12:15 am

    I haven’t techically “dated” anyone in ten years as I already found my soul mate, but I remember how incredibly awkward it was so I can totally relate, Paul. Dating is a bit like the lottery. You just keep trying until you win, until you get it right. I didn’t date a lot, per se, but I was in two relationships before I met the one. Even though they were mistakes, experiences I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy, they were, as you say, experiences. We live and learn. Life gives us these lessons, especially in dating, so that we start to form an idea of the kind of person we could totally fall for, the person we want for the rest of our lives. Dating helps you learn what you want.

    Good luck in all of your endeavors. I believe everyone has someone out there that they are meant to be with. πŸ™‚

  18. July 10, 2014 / 12:16 am

    Amend that. *Technically. Wow! And I write for a living! LOL.

  19. July 10, 2014 / 6:02 pm

    This is an awesome story! I’m so glad to have found your blog! I feel a bit sheepish that I had to learn the hard way what you already knew instinctively but (as you read on my blog post) at least I figured it out now. Thanks for finding/reading my post leading me to discover yours!!

    • July 10, 2014 / 6:38 pm

      I’m really glad you like the story Melanie I hope you enjoy my posts. I think everything is a learning curve there’s things you’ll know that I don’t and vice versa I guess we all just need to enjoy the journey. Thanks for reading really appreciate your comments. Paul πŸ™‚

  20. July 12, 2014 / 9:15 pm

    Great story. Glad to see you have no open wounds remaining. πŸ˜‰ What always amazes me is the way the “expert” (in what-morale demolition?), views the process as though only females are affected by the ugly side of the process. As the mother of four very affectionate, talented, funny and loving sons, I can tell you it isn’t always pretty the other way around. My youngest has become so jaded by his string of first date “put a ring on my finger” or “you can have me if you buy me anything I want” debacles I have to keep reminding him that the person for him is really out there, just waiting for the moment they meet. The world-and the dating world-have certainly morphed on the surface; but the same angst, fear, eager anticipation and hope remain the same, year after year. You gotta go in with a healthy attitude and the ability to laugh-just as you did. Congrats!

    • July 12, 2014 / 9:20 pm

      So glad you enjoyed this, you’re right men have their moments but I know many who have felt a woman’s wrath. Appreciate your honesty, thanks so much for reading and I hope your boys find the right women! Paul

  21. July 12, 2014 / 9:29 pm

    I see; personal & relatable with self deprecation, vulnerability – though always ending on an kind or pleasant tone. <3. Well, once again that comment alone shows writing true emotion into pieces will likely never be a forte.

    Keep writing =D

    • July 12, 2014 / 9:30 pm

      Thank you once again πŸ™‚ you’re giving me a much needed boost tonight, rubbish day haha.

      • July 12, 2014 / 9:48 pm

        Well I am very glad to hear it. I never say anything that isn’t true – & writing is important. For the community: even unread it forces reflection.

        & it is nice to have influence from around the world. Makes the world seem smaller. =D

        • July 12, 2014 / 9:49 pm

          Totally agree. Thanks again, very much appreciated.

  22. July 13, 2014 / 6:09 am

    Oh my.!! Great story….lol…thoroughly enjoyed it.! Thanks for the blog follow too πŸ™‚

  23. July 14, 2014 / 7:55 pm

    At 39, I’m still in the dating pool and let me tell you, it really loses it’s appeal the older you get. Most of the time, it’s not fun. So, the older I get, the less I date. I know it’s a bad attitude to have. I try to keep an open mind when I do go out on dates, but I’m so beyond the trying now. What used to be fun and exciting is now work. Does it ever end?

    • July 14, 2014 / 8:01 pm

      That’s interesting, what would be your preferred method of meeting someone?

      • July 14, 2014 / 8:11 pm

        Just randomly. If I’m out grocery shopping or walking my dog and boom, there he is and we start talking. Or something developing from a friendship that doesn’t have the pressures of dating. I try not to put a lot of effort into it. Firstly because I’m truly starting to not care. Secondly, it’s tiring. Online, speed dating, dating events…..over it.

        • July 14, 2014 / 9:16 pm

          stefanie – that’s pretty much precisely how i met the – so far – best man of my life. i was young and thought i was “too young” so i eventually dumped him (after two years of harmony and bliss) and now look back years later and realize he was awesome.

          but indeed, i was walking my dog AND stepping out of the grocery store, in the snow, holding two heavy bags of groceries. this guy walks in the street, i kind of recognized his face, he lived in the same neighborhood in a relatively big city. i almost past by, and at last minute we said hello to each other. we started talking and ended up talking until my dog started complaining.

          we didn’t exchange numbers – but told each other our last names and where to find them in the phonebook. almost the same name. i didn’t think i was going to hear back, but about a week later he called. i was semi-stunned. he asked me to go to the movies.

          i admit that walking away from the snow-dog-grocery discussion, i felt an odd warmth in my heart. not kidding. just an overall slow and comfortable warmness. no huge explosive sparks. just a tenderness.

          we sort of dated. hung out and talked as friends for a week or two. then he gave me a nice, warm, polite enough kiss by my door one night. same warm, good, balanced, nice feeling then.

          he is married with two kids, dog, house and – well, when i met his wife – she came over to me, smiling, holding my hand with both of her palms, and said “it’s wonderful to meet you, i’ve heard so many good things about you”. again, i kid you not. i feel happiness for them for sure. i hope and actually trust i’ll meet someone who makes me feel warm and loved that way again. and if not, hey – at least i had it once.

          oh, i could write a whole book on that romance. ha! we were total equals, totally easy and fun – his brother still thinks i’m the most fun woman on earth – and obviously, we are friends – though live in different countries (aka not so much contact). i was so afraid of love, in the end – without realizing it quite then yet, that i ended up sabotaging the whole thing in the end. hmm.

          ha Paul, you make me reminisce like no other on someone else’s blog! thank you. you’re giving me nice memories that i almost forgot, sort of.

          oh, the sad part of the story: when i broke up with him, i was totally honest with why (i did something bad and no longer felt i was worthy of his love). it was so painful to me, that i hardened myself to a cold block of ice for a year. about a year later, i found my photo album from all our travels, and – again, i kid you not, ouch – i cried for a couple of days in a row. like a cork was opened from a bottle. only it wasn’t a happy champagne bottle.

          argh. the memories!

          now that i’ve written this – i’m even more convinced. people, my dear fellows – how about you really do stop dating for a while. focus on loving yourself. getting to know yourself. go to funny movies and laugh you ass off. go on some adventure alone. embrace your life, nature, food, exercise, music – things that make you SMILE alone. do that for a while. contemplate on the love of your life – but first on the love for yourself (from the good old you! πŸ˜‰

          THEN – at some point – when you least expect it – that man or woman will appear. trust me. πŸ™‚ report back to me when it happens.

          And haaha, there’s my blog entry for the day? Maybe i should clean this up and just post, eh?

          πŸ˜›

          hugs to all on me today! 😎 love yourselves!!! heehaw!

          • July 14, 2014 / 9:17 pm

            Haha that’s fine Vera your comments are always welcome

  24. July 14, 2014 / 9:01 pm

    I remember, not long after having started college, knocking over the drinks belonging to two girls. Mortified I, of course paid for refills and then promptly knocked them over again. You couldn’t make it up! I will leave it to your imagination as to whether I paid for yet another set of drinks!

    • July 14, 2014 / 9:14 pm

      Haha that’s hilarious, they must’ve been pretty maybe you were looking at them instead of the drinks

  25. July 15, 2014 / 1:09 am

    awesome! πŸ™‚ thank you very much!

  26. July 15, 2014 / 2:59 am

    I like your attitude! Must admit, sometimes dating does seem pointless although that’s usually after a few shocking ones πŸ™‚ I think a good attitude is critical to dating success.

    • July 15, 2014 / 10:42 am

      Thank you and yeah I agree you have to be open minded and enjoy the journey, if you’re going to have a bad attitude I would suggest just staying away from dating altogether and focus on other ways of meeting people. Really appreciate your comments πŸ™‚ paul

  27. July 15, 2014 / 3:20 pm

    Paul, this is great! I agree, while dating can be tedious, embarrassing, stressful, tiring, monotonous… it can also open doors. If not with other people, for your SELF. Even the worst of dates have left me with further insight on mySELF. Which I find to be very, very valuable.
    Great post and funny story.. thanks for sharing!

    • July 15, 2014 / 7:04 pm

      Hi Krystal really appreciate your comments and yes I totally agree, I was just saying to someone else I think dating is all part of your journey and meeting a few bad eggs can give you a clearer idea of what kind of person we want to be with. Thanks for reading, really means a lot. Paul

  28. July 15, 2014 / 4:53 pm

    Dating is still very important for so many reasons.
    One, you have to go out with a bunch of people to see what you like and don’t like. You don’t buy the first shirt you try on? Try on a few…
    Two, its going to make a good story whether its good or bad.
    Three, bad dates make you appreciate the good ones better.
    Four, you may make a great new friend who may in turn, introduce you to “the one.”
    Five, dating is an adventure and you have to go out on these kinds of dates because you are on a journey, that will have some bumps in the road.
    Six, I guarantee you that date you went on was way more entertaining than some of these evenings married couples have at home. πŸ˜‰

    Keep up the good dating work!

    • July 15, 2014 / 6:54 pm

      Thank you so much for your comments I’m glad you share my opinion on dating πŸ™‚

    • July 15, 2014 / 6:55 pm

      Also totally agree with the journey part and I think bad dates actually give us a clearer indication of what we are looking for in a partner

  29. July 20, 2014 / 6:06 pm

    Interesting that Susan felt she needed to explain herself to you. Dating is no longer just “fun” because there are so many sexual “obligations” involved today, most of which were instigated by the radical, second-wave feminist’s promulgation of the “sexual revolution” for WOMEN, in the 1960s. I know a very handsome, and successful, 30-something, NYC, young man who sums up the dating problems today. “Sexually liberated radical feminists vs. Christian men.” This young guy was actively dating, and was looking for a nice girl to marry (which was the original purpose of dating, not the current purpose of hooking-up). But, all he found were pushy, liberated third-wave feminists who defined themselves solely by their explicit sexuality. And more amazingly to him was the fact that these oblivious feminists were actually annoyed when he didn’t want to jump into bed with them on the FIRST date. He finally left NYC for the country, and is now engaged to a very nice girl. What this guy concluded was that these women were not dating, they were whoring around. He couldn’t believe that most didn’t understand that there wasn’t a sane guy out there who wanted a whore to be his wife and the mother of his children? ZERO! Sadly, lesbian-led, radical, third-wave feminism has led women away from their Christian faith causing them to define themselves as a sexpot instead which unwittingly repluses the very men they should want to attract. Fools. I wonder how many “lovers” Susan has had? I’m afraid her cynical attitude reflects the old Bible verse, “You reap what you sow” and nothing more. Thanks for following my blog. You sound like a great guy.

    • July 20, 2014 / 6:11 pm

      Thank you so much for your comments, very much appreciated.

    • July 22, 2014 / 7:56 pm

      It’s funny that I’m jumping in again to “defend” Susan. I have zero agenda, just thought of this totally cool and intelligent comment (love the story of the guy who left NYC)

      … didn’t even think to comment but here we go:

      I actually think it’s pretty normal to come and comment. If you heard someone talk about you around the corner in the street, and they were saying things you didn’t totally agree with (and it was a “hot topic” for you) – you’d totally (I hope) go over and say, “hey, here’s what I really think”.

      • July 22, 2014 / 8:38 pm

        Just want to add at this point as well that although I still don’t agree with this particular dating experiment of Susans I have spoken with her several times since and she is perfectly lovely, very interesting and incredibly insightful.I hope others don’t judge her long established body of work based solely on my article. I do however still stand by my message to have faith in the dating process as long as we are approaching it in the right manner. I guess we just have to leave people to make their own indiviual decisions based their own individual experiences. Glad this has raised a bit of debate though πŸ™‚

      • July 22, 2014 / 8:51 pm

        thumbs up Paul, Susan, K.Q. and whomever.

  30. July 21, 2014 / 4:33 am

    QUITE INTERESTING AND MEANINGFUL.
    My thanks for following me. I too am following yours with immediate effect.

  31. July 21, 2014 / 2:43 pm

    I’ve been lied to so many times, that I’m sick of it…I’ve tried EVERYTHING…Church, dating sites, dating services, meeting in person, talking on phone, having friends help (no one cares), All I get is excuses…and frankly, I’m tired of it. It…is…a….NIGHTMARE, FROM WHICH IT SEEMS LIKE i CANNOT AWAKE FROM.

    • July 21, 2014 / 4:10 pm

      Kerry I’m sorry to hear that you’ve had some bad experiences. My advice would probably be take a step back from the dating game for a while, relax, have some time to yourself and focus on other things that make you happy. You often find that when you stop looking you end up meeting someone. Keep your head up. Paul

      • July 21, 2014 / 4:56 pm

        Paul, I’ve tried that too for a number of YEARS, & nothing happened…maybe I wasn’t meant for anybody…how could God do such a thing?

          • July 21, 2014 / 5:08 pm

            I work in a County Government Office, but I’m also a local bodybuilder as a hobby…it truly does relieve stress, & I enjoy it…& have won several trophies in my weight class. But I also do other things too.

          • July 21, 2014 / 5:29 pm

            Do you ever meet women through your job?

          • July 21, 2014 / 5:37 pm

            No, I do not, & truthfully, I’m fine with that, as I’m there to work.

          • July 21, 2014 / 5:44 pm

            Has it ever crossed your mind, the workplace is where a lot of my own and my friends relationships have started.

          • July 21, 2014 / 5:49 pm

            Yes, it has crossed my mind, & I have tried it a few times, but I ALWAYS get the line: “We’re coworkers, & that would not be a good idea.” Therefore, I quit trying…I cannot ever win.

  32. July 21, 2014 / 10:11 pm

    Thanks for following! I agree with you completely. Dating can be horribly awkward and humiliating at the time, but down the road, those are memories you share with your family at a barbeque or with your spouse and his friends at a bonfire.
    That is one hilarious story πŸ™‚

  33. July 22, 2014 / 7:47 pm

    I have to disagree with Susan Winter completely, I think the fact that we as a society and definitely as a generation find dating to be extraneous is what the problem really is! We are complacent with the idea that we should have sex first and figure out if we’re compatible with the other person while making small talk in bed the next morning. I pretty much stumbled upon my first real adult relationship that way and then was terrified when I had to start dating years later. My first date was great and was an experience I wouldn’t trade, not because anything ended up developing between me and my date (I actually didn’t having much interest in him at all when we met) but because I made it thru the date in one piece and learned that I was capable of dating! I have also been guilty of going on out on first dates with preconceived notions and have sometimes been spot on but have also had times when I was pleasantly surprised to have been wrong about the other person. I think you’ve got the right idea, keep dating Paul!

    • July 22, 2014 / 8:51 pm

      Thank you so much for your comments, I guess we’re all just going with what works for us. I know there’s people out there who’ve had bad experiences on dates but that’s just people isn’t it? We’ve all had bad experiences with colleagues or in job interviews but that doesn’t mean we’re never going to go to work again. I’m still a firm believer that you take dates with a pinch of salt, if you go into a date pinning your hopes on finding true love instead of just appreciating it for the simple social interaction that it is then you’re most likely setting yourself up for a fall. Thanks for reading, means a lot. Paul

  34. July 24, 2014 / 3:43 pm

    Hi Paul. First of all, great post (and thanks for recently following my blog!). It’s probably cynical and not a helpful attitude on my end to have but unfortunately when you’re dating with a disability, it’s very hard to not get stressed and just enjoy it. You have to put yourself out there and present this part of yourself that you were born with and have no control over and hope the other person will accept it. If they don’t, obviously that’s someone you don’t want to be with anyway but it inevitably adds stress to the situation. Unfortunately, for me, the number of people who haven’t accepted it has outweighed the number of those who do which can get draining. That being said though, I thank you for the reminding me that we shouldn’t take dating quite so seriously. I think that’s something we all can learn from.

    • July 24, 2014 / 3:51 pm

      Hi Jackie, completely understand where you’re coming from. I realise that sometimes circumstances mean dating isn’t for everyone but as you mentioned my point is just to remind ourselves not to take it too seriously. Do you mind if I ask have you kind of given up on dating or are you staying open-minded? Thank you again for reading and sharing your thoughts. Paul

      • July 24, 2014 / 4:23 pm

        Hi Paul. Don’t mind at all! Where I’m at now, I have admittedly kind of given up on dating. I’m not in a place right now where I’m able to go on a date and then get rejected and be able to pick myself up and keep going. I’ve on and off online dated a lot in the past few years but I don’t think that’s the best venue for me to meet people since they don’t get a chance to get to know me first and just hear “disability, disability” (even though I’m not in a wheelchair and have a very mild disability). I never say never but I think right now it’s best for me to step back, reevaluate and get some of the faith positivity back I used to have about dating.

        • July 24, 2014 / 4:27 pm

          I admire your stance Jackie, dont even worry about being positive about dating the important thing is that you’re positive about life and maybe everything else will just fall into place. I often find that people find someone when they stop looking so you just never know πŸ™‚ always here if you wanna chat about it. Paul

          • July 24, 2014 / 5:07 pm

            Thanks Paul, that means a lot. Totally binge reading your blog! Really enjoy hearing your perspective on everything πŸ™‚

        • July 24, 2014 / 5:26 pm

          Oh yes! I’ve also had people actually SAY to me, “Now wait a minute, you’re constantly griping about people turning you down, but when you get one that likes you, you turn HER down. It’s like no one is allowed to turn you down, but it’s ok for you to turn people down”.

          When they said that, I corrected them by explaining that when I have to turn people down (which is rare, because I’m the one usually getting turned down), I do so by being honest & NOT offering lame excuses like “I’d think it would ruin our friendship”…I just say, “Look, I’ve thought it over for a couple of days, & I’m not really feeling anything other than…” or whatever I feel & be done with it. I don’t mind being turned down, hell, everybody gets turned down at one time or another! …what I mind is what I call the “I’ve got to wash my hair on Thursday Night excuse”, in otherwords, …the B.S. excuse, & I’ve gotten to be a pretty good “B.S. Detector” over the years, & I find that people don’t like it when you call them out on it. That’s why, when I find in the position of having to turn people down, I don’t like to B.S. people. I don’t like it done to me, so why on Earth would I do it to them?!

          • July 24, 2014 / 5:43 pm

            Kerry I honestly do sympathise with your situation, I genuinely do, but you come across like you have a major chip on your shoulder. If I was a woman reading your post I’d actually feel a little intimidated. I’d love nothing more than for you to meet the right woman but as I said to you the other day you need to relax. Sometimes people are shit, men and woman, we’ve all been there, every single one of us but you can’t let yourself be comsumed with bitterness. Jackie mentioned her disability and the similar experiences she’s faced but she also seems very grounded and down to earth. I hope you’re not offended buddy I just feel I need to give you a bit of tough love from one guy to another.

          • July 24, 2014 / 5:57 pm

            No, I’m not offende, but i don’t really understand where the “chip thing” is coming from. Like Jackie said, “We’re still human & can only handle so much (getting turned down) of that after awhile.” I mean, it’s almost as if people are saying, “Kerry, now don’t get mad when people offer B.S. excuses while turning you down, because your feelings aren’t as important as theirs are.”

          • July 24, 2014 / 6:04 pm

            No, I’m not offended, but I don’t understand the “chip” thing. It’s almost like people are saying to me, “Now, Kerry…you shouldn’t get frustrated when people turn you down with stupid excuses, because their feelings are always more important than yours are.”

          • July 24, 2014 / 6:27 pm

            Besides, it may seem that way, but I’m actually trying to come across as tired & weary more than anything else, Paul…after all, I’ve been dealing with this kind of shit for more than 40 years.

    • July 24, 2014 / 4:07 pm

      Exactly my point, Jackie! I have a disability too (Cerebral Palsy), Now, that being said, I do NOT think the major reason I can’t get anything to work is because I have CP, but I do think that that’s part of it. I’ll get cheered like wild on the stage (I’m an award-winning bodybuilder), but when I ask “one that cheered” for me while I was on stage out there, I get crap like, “You’re a nice guy, but…(then I get whatever lame excuse they decide to give)”. It’s heartbreaking…& nobody should have to deal with that. It’s like I’m good enough to be a piece of art, but I’m not quite good enough to be in someone’s private collection. You understand what I’m saying?

      • July 24, 2014 / 4:27 pm

        Hi Kerry. I definitely get that, especially since we didn’t choose to have what we were born with so in reality, no one should have a problem with it. Though I’m a bit disheartened right now, I just try to look at my disability as the ultimate filter. It weeds out all the idiots and people who weren’t worthy of my time anyway! I know it gets frustrating when you keep getting the “You’re nice but…” thing though. We’re still human and can only handle so much of that after a while.

  35. Wow. that was her “quest to find love”?? Well no wonder none of them worked out. She’d already passed judgment on all those men before they even showed up for the date. Good article, Paul!

  36. July 27, 2014 / 5:14 pm

    As a comedian, if that had been me with you, we’d be married by now. You really could have flipped out, cried, or shit your pants in front of the crowd, but it looks like you kept your cool.
    I look at dating the way you do: Social experiment, and I truly enjoy meeting new people. I’ve had a lot of first dates, and made some real friends in the process.

    • July 27, 2014 / 5:45 pm

      Hi Amy πŸ™‚ why don’t we just get married anyway? Haha. I have to say I’ve just been reading your blog and I’m blown away, what an inspiration! The documentary looks amazing it’s the kind of thing I dream of working on.

      • July 27, 2014 / 5:48 pm

        Wow, thanks! I have a few blogs, but I think you found my dating blog first. Hoping the documentary is done this summer. Did you get to see the trailer?
        I needed the boost today. Thanks. πŸ˜€
        (You found my dating blog first: http://fabamydates.wordpress.com/

        • July 27, 2014 / 5:55 pm

          Yeah I think it’s amazing! You have to keep going with it! There are so many people affected by this all over the world they just need to find your blog and find your documentary! I loved the trailer, making documentaries is kind of my dream and if it helps people at the same time then what more can you ask for, you should be really proud of yourself. I wish there was more I could do to help, if you can think of anything email me any time. Paulthomasbell@outlook.com

          • July 27, 2014 / 5:57 pm

            Right now, Paul, we just need help getting the word out. I will let you know when the next round of fundraising is. I truly appreciate it! 18 people will die today waiting for a kidney. That’s simply…brutal and inhumane.

          • July 27, 2014 / 6:08 pm

            The best thing I could suggest is trying to get in touch with celebrities who have been through the same thing, it’ll be tough but worth a try, I can’t imagine your trailer not touching them in some way. Tracey Morgan, George Lopez, Natalie Cole, Sarah Hyland, Lucy Davis, Amy Purdy, Steven Cojocaru, Alonzo Mourning, Scott MacIntyre, aron Eisenberg, Jonah Lumu and Sean Elliot have all had kidney transplants.

          • July 30, 2014 / 2:32 pm

            Amy need to speak with you can you give me an email at paulthomasbell@outlook.com might have a little bit of good news, nothing major but I don’t wanna say too much as it’s not confirmed yet. But get in touch πŸ™‚

  37. August 6, 2014 / 6:50 am

    Love this article – so refreshing – and the ensuing thread. Thanks for writing it.

    • August 6, 2014 / 10:21 pm

      So glad you liked it, means a lot. Keep in touch, Paul

  38. August 10, 2014 / 7:00 pm

    Good for you. Give me someone with a positive view of life who knows that whatever bad thing happens is just one step further towards the next good thing that is going to happen. Thanks for following my blog, by the way! Hope each visit is a pleasant date for you! Judy

  39. October 1, 2014 / 8:11 pm

    This is Brilliant! What an interesting story!

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