After your first love you find yourself a bit lost on the relationship front, do I want to meet someone else? Do I just want to have fun? Whatever label this encounter had, Elaine was a mistake. We’d exchanged numbers on a night out, we’d actually hardly spoke when we met but there she was day after day her name popping up on my phone. If I was honest I struggled to remember what she looked like but hesitantly I agreed to meet up. We went to the cinema to see ‘Big Momma’s House 2’ as you can tell I was very cultured in my teens. Halfway through the movie she leaned in and said “I made this for you” it was a CD of her favourite songs, a nice gesture on your two year anniversary but not on a first date and certainly not worth interrupting Big Momma’s House for. Despite a somewhat scary first date for some unexplained reason I continued seeing her, regardless of the early alarm bells.
Elaine had told me she was 19 studying childcare at college, the day after our date she called me in floods of tears, “I’ve done something awful and the guilt has kept me awake all night” at this point I really didn’t care what she’d done, I was still regretting answering the phone. “I’m 17 and I’m still at school” a long pause ensued, I still didn’t care. I was only 19 myself at the time so the age difference didn’t bother me. We saw each other another couple of times, nothing special, Pizza Hut and Brokeback Mountain but still the phone calls continued and now they were to my Mum’s house, it had started to get really out of hand. I didn’t help myself by going to her parents for dinner of course where my teen self couldn’t contain my laughter as I watched her whole family devour the most impeccably penis shaped meal I’ve ever laid eyes on (beef olives). I messaged Elaine soon after and suggested we cool things, we’d actually only seen each other 3 or 4 times but it was long overdue. She called the house straight away of course. I explained how I was feeling, she was silent until eventually snapping and asking me turn my music off, ‘Swing Swing’ by the All-American Rejects hardly romantic, “it just reminds me of us” she said, what!?!?! This was a girl I’d went to the cinema and Pizza Hut with a couple times, I was unaware we had a song. She wouldn’t accept that I was ending things and so I took the coward’s way out’ “I’m moving to Australia” I said, “to work on an Eco-farm” at the time I didn’t even know what this was nor where the idea had come from. Again a long silence………”I’ll wait for you” she said and so that was the end of Elaine.
Obviously I wasn’t going to Australia but I was half expecting a Friends style send off at the airport similar to when Chandler went to Yemen to escape Janice, it seems funny now looking back but at the time this fear was my reality. The last time I saw Elaine was a few months later when I obviously wasn’t in Australia as she had thought, the shock on her face prevented her from either embracing me or biting my head off and we continued walking in opposite directions.
In spite of Elaine’s faults I did however learn a very important lesson. All jokes aside I think if you meet a girl who is so intense so early on its best to stay clear unless you really are genuinely interested in being with them, not because I think they’re crazy but because they are obviously quite vulnerable and will inevitably get hurt, unnecessarily. At the time I was very nonchalant and just thought why not just see what happens but if truth be told I actually felt sorry for Elaine, she was clearly very insecure and I guess just desperate to be loved, wherever she is now I hope she’s happy and with someone who appreciates her, even if he is living in fear. Just kidding.
Finally, if your mental age is below 25 avoid beef olives at all costs and if you say you’re going to move to Australia make sure you do actually go to Australia, even if just to save the other person the plane fare from when they decide to surprise you at an imaginary Eco-farm in the middle of the Australian outback.